Poor, Poor, Harriet

How'd you like and angry one of these in your pants? Eh? No?
Photo from We For Aniamls

One day I'll hunker down and do my birth story, but today I'd like to talk to you about Episiotomies.

Episiotomies suck ass
In my birth plan I stated that I'd rather tear than have an episiotomy, but the four people staring at my vagina made an executive decision to do it anyway. My doctor cut me THREE times, PB was watching. It appeared that I was going to tear both ways, so I guess I'm thankful, but we'll never actually know how it would have happened. All we do know is that my vagina looks like it was mauled by a wolverine (a wolverine, not THE Wolverine), and that it may as well have not been stitched up for all the good it did.

I guess I'm just bitter. No one besides my significant other and Drs. are going to see it, right? Correct, but I see it and it looks fucked up. Yes, I look at my lady parts. I have a good relationship with Harriet (good name, right?) and since we're such good friends, I know when she doesn't look quite right. Now she needs reconstructive surgery. There's this hangy bit that gets caught up during coitus (too much Big Bang Theory) and then hurts for days after and a ton of scar tissue that made sex hell the first several times. All in all, I don't recommended episiotomies. DON'T HAVE ONE. Seriously. I can't believe Drs. have become so blasé about them. My mother says it is pure laziness. In Europe if your Dr. gives you an Episiotomy, they are a shitty Dr. Other than the mutilation of my crotchular area, I really liked my Dr. However, since she sliced into my taint, I'm not sure how I feel about her. Good thing I have time to mull it over before my next baby. That won't be for a good long while.

I used to joke that PB and I were going to practice fisting so the baby would just fly out. I now wish that I had been serious. It would have saved me a lot of pain. The nurse tried really hard to massage for me, but at that point there probably wasn't a whole lot that could be done. What I know now will aid me in the future. I'm getting a Doula and I won't let them put me on my back again. Hands and knees for the win!

Have you got an episiotomy horror story? Do tell!